I spend a large portion of my time trying to calm down. It’s as though I could die if I don’t close my eyes and pretend this world doesn’t exist, because I find the love I have for this world can be a bit overwhelming, and if I don’t keep myself in check, my heart may explode.
Ok. Maybe my heart won’t explode, but it sure feels that way sometimes. And it doesn’t just feel as though it will explode like dynamite mind you. Rather, it feels like every time I take a moment to gaze about my surroundings - to take it all in - I feel a potential energy building up inside me. Ready to break open like a split atom, causing a mushroom cloud to rise into the atmosphere and rain my love down upon the earth.
Yes. The adrenaline is that intense.
And odd as it may sound, my adrenaline has nothing to do with physical activity either. Instead, my heartbeat is directly effected by the external stimuli that surrounds me in every day life. It can be quite inconvenient while trying to maintain a conversation with my peers, and it makes eye contact almost impossible.
My adrenaline is a result of the astonishment I have towards the miracles that take place in every second of every day.
Allow me to give you an example: I live in the middle of the woods. My house is the last house on top of a hill on a dead end street. While home, I am free from society, free from the noise, and free from the distractions, and in the silence, my senses are able to embrace all that mother nature has to offer.
Every morning, my cat drives me crazy with her incessant ‘meowing.’ She continues her behavior until I feed her and let her outside. It’s a daily ritual, and this morning was no exception. After I let her out, I fixed myself a light breakfast with coffee and sat at a small table by the window. I like this spot. It is one of my favorite places in the house. The view suits me. There is a meadow that spreads out towards the forest. Apple trees rise from the earth, and on most of these trees I have placed either birdfeeders or wind chimes on the branches. On some mornings, I see deer in the meadow eating some of the apples that have fallen to the ground. Oftentimes, I watch the cardinals, robins and finches eating from the feeders. I enjoy watching them battle with the squirrels and blue jays. It is fun for me.
This morning was just as magical as most, except there were no deer. Instead, I noticed two white moths colliding with one another. They involved themselves with a delicate dance just above the tops of the many colorful wildflowers. My chest swooned at the sight of the two insects. The adrenaline within me rose to a high point, causing the blood to pump through my veins much harder than the caffeine in my coffee could ever dream of doing. The two moths approached a stone wall located close to where I sat. I watched with a mixture of envy and awe, and just before my heart could take no more, a small furry paw rose from the other side of the stone wall and swatted at the two insects.
The paw belonged to my cat. At first I was upset with my cat for ruining such a lovely performance, but I had to chuckle. The moths danced toward the safety of the woods and my cat stared at them with a look of longing. In that moment, I fell in love with my cat, and I fell in love with the two moths.
I realized there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t find myself falling in love with life all over again. It is a good epiphany to have.
I try to embrace the adrenaline as often as I can - even in circumstances where such behavior is frowned upon - but I understand that my heart only gets in the way because in today’s society, abnormal behavior demands an explanation. It is deemed unacceptable to feel at peace with who we are in our own skin, but I do not want my heart to stop feeling the way it does. Society may have people like me labeled as a pariah, but I have grown to be very comfortable in my own skin, and the few friends I have accept me for who I am, therefore they are the only friends I need. I don’t see a need to pretend I am someone else in an effort to impress people who cannot accept the real me anyway.
I have also noticed that mother nature also shares my lack of concern with change. She too feels comfortable with who she is, and we are confronted with the proof of this every day.
I offer some evidence: No matter how much chemicals we spray into our skies, rainbows will continue to form after a gentle rain, spreading across our skies like an enormous hug, letting us know that mother earth still loves us no matter how bad her children try to hurt her. And even though we fill our streets and fields with garbage, flowers continue to pierce through the grime, reminding us that beauty will always exist, no matter how hard we try to ignore it. And no matter how often we declare wars on one another, the small free birds will sing their songs in the skies and trees above us, letting us know that war, money and power mean nothing, and that even the most poor little creatures among us are more free than any one of us will ever be. And they didn’t need war to achieve it.
Thinking of these things always raises my heartbeat to concerning levels, and yes, my adrenaline can be overwhelming at times, but at the very least, it has helped in preparing me for death. I know for a fact that once my heart stops racing every time I look up into the sky, or at a tree, listen to children at play, or even hear a light breeze course its way through the forest, I will be ready to die.
I hope and believe that the miracles will never cease, and in death, the exploration of all that is existence will continue, carrying us forever beyond the horizon of our dreams, where one day, the adrenaline that exists inside nature will become entangled with the adrenaline that exists inside us all. I hope this will be the day we are able to embrace the same freedoms as the trees, sky, cats and moths. Free to be whatever and whoever we want to be without worry of embarrassment, judgment or acceptance. I hope this is the day we can finally allow our adrenaline to carry us farther into the realm of joy without ever having to worry about the need to calm ourselves down again.